When It's Not All Good (thoughts on constructive criticism in ministry)

"It’s All Good.” You’ve probably heard that phrase before, and I want to tell you from the start that I have never been a fan of it. While I suspect that the intention of those who utter those words is to be positive and look for the good things in life (a very noble thing!), I still don’t like the phrase because, quite frankly, sometimes things in life are not good. An honest appraisal of reality reveals that many things can be bad, hurtful, unfortunate, and evil. We live in a sinful, broken, fallen world and sometimes even the most well-intentioned people miss the mark; even those of us in ministry. And while I definitely believe that good can come out of even the worst situations, let’s be honest - sometimes it’s not all good. Even in ministry.

Not too long ago I was at a meeting of professional ministers, and someone said something that really bugged me. I understand it, and I even mostly believe it, but it bothered me nonetheless. It went something like this, “It doesn’t matter, ultimately, if we make mistakes when we speak, if our talks run overtime, or if we choose the wrong music. It’s not about us, anyway. It’s about God, and God will do what God wants to do, regardless of any mistakes we might make.” The person who said this was, I suspect, trying to express the sovereignty of God and the truth of Romans 8:28,

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

What bothered me so much about what was said is a concern that, if unbalanced, the perspective of “it’s all good” could take us in ministry to the dangerous places of false security and mediocrity. And this fear was reinforced because at this particular event I found some of the presentations to be inadequate and ineffective at reaching the audience; yet at our meeting they were praised by ministry professionals as “awesome” and “excellent” and “well done”.

Honestly, it wasn’t just this event either; it has happened to me. There have been times when I have not prayed enough, prepared enough, or presented well – and it worries me that my colleagues and friends sometimes might praise my inadequate efforts and not “call me out” to excellence.

Now, we all desperately need love, affirmation, and encouragement (of course!), especially those of us in ministry. We pour out our hearts to sometimes unappreciative people, and God wants us to know that we are awesome, created in His image, greatly valued, and appreciated. Yet, that reality needs to be balanced by the fact that we are all in constant need of growth, and it behooves us to be reminded of what love really is; it is not simply affirmation. St. Thomas Aquinas defines love as “a decision to will the good of another” and that “good” in ministry would be representing Christ, His Teachings, and His Church as clearly as possible so that we can help people to attain the Ultimate Good of Heaven. Therefore in our pursuit of goodness for others and ourselves, it is essential that professionals in ministry avoid the temptation to simply participate in mutual admiration societies. Pope Benedict XVI has written in his encyclical Caritas in Veritate, “Without truth, charity degenerates into sentimentality.” We need to call each other to be the best that we can be and to never settle for mediocrity, so that those to whom we minister will receive nothing less than what God wants for them. I am utterly convinced that we in ministry need to pursue that excellence which comes only when we open ourselves up to constructive criticism.

The danger with constructive criticism, of course, is that if it is not done properly it becomes destructive. I have experienced, as have many of my colleagues in ministry, deep hurt from well-intentioned individuals criticizing our efforts to bring Christ to others. These wounds have resulted not from the fact that we have fragile or inflated egos - though sometimes we do – but rather because we did our best, poured out our hearts, and prayerfully prepared – and then the constructive criticism was not given in the most loving way.

Therefore, for your consideration, I would like to offer tips for giving and receiving constructive criticism, in the hopes that we can develop this much-needed art form and grow in our efforts to legitimately build up the Kingdom – and one another.

Helpful attitudes when receiving constructive criticism

1. Realize that you need it. We are all a work in progress. Just because you did your best, it doesn’t mean that you can’t become better at what you do!
2. Ask for it. Most people will not offer constructive criticism unless they are asked to give it, so have the humility to request this kind of feedback.
3. Thank God and others for it. An attitude of gratitude goes a long way in making you a better person and softening the blow of constructive criticism.
4. Take all comments seriously. Usually when someone constructively criticizes you they are well-intentioned and want to see you improve your skills. Even though their words may not be perfectly chosen, assume their best intentions and try to hear what they are trying to tell you.
5. Take all comments with a grain of salt, too; just because someone constructively criticizes you does not mean that what they said is Gospel Truth, or that it reflects the opinion of God or of the majority of the world. It just might be merely their opinion, and it could be wrong.
6. Prayerfully discern it. It is a good idea to bring all constructive criticism to God, asking His opinion of what was said. Also, bring it to those who are your pastoral leaders; they can help you evaluate the truth of what was said and have responsibility to see you grow in ministry. Third, bring it those friends whose opinions you trust and who are capable of brutal honesty. These steps of discernment can help you to know if what was said has any validity or if it should be disregarded.
7. Learn from it. If the constructive criticism is discerned to be valid, use it to improve yourself. If you perceive that it is not valid, the discernment will still teach you a lot about who you are and what you do.
8. Keep in mind that there is a difference between what you say and what people hear. Though you may have spoken words that were inarguably true, the perception of the other person may have been different. Even if you were not technically wrong in what you said or did, you might want to be more sensitive to your choice of words, body language, or tone in the future to avoid comparable confusion among any of your listeners.
9. Keep a balanced perspective; constructive criticism does not define you as a person; God has already done that. It is simply something that can potentially help us to hone our ministry skills and become more effective ministers of the Gospel.

Helpful attitudes for giving constructive criticism

1. Wait. Just because you have thoughts doesn’t mean you have to share them. Ask God if He really wants you to talk to the other person; keep in mind that your thoughts may be meant for you only, or so that you can simply pray for the person.
2. Wait some more. If your thoughts are based upon emotion more than logic, then let the feelings subside before you speak so that you can be more easily heard and understood. Beware of emotional word vomit, because it is usually rather vile.
3. Wait a little bit longer. If you can, share your thoughts with trusted colleagues and friends (for discernment purposes, not gossip) before passing them on to another. Verbalizing our thoughts can either validate them or reveal their insignificance.
4. Ask yourself, “What is my motivation? Do I want to constructively criticize out of any sense of jealousy or envy? Will the other person feel loved and encouraged through my tone and my word choice? Or will they feel attacked and belittled? And, if I share this, will it ultimately help the other person to become a better minister?”
5. Prepare. Before you constructively criticize anyone, prepare your words carefully and prayerfully; words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. The Golden Rule applies; how would you want to be approached about this issue if the tables were turned? I suggest writing down your thoughts so that they can be analyzed – are they clear, kind, loving, and helpful?
6. Ask God to guide your timing; when you constructively criticize can be as important as the words you choose. For example, criticizing someone right before they are about to give a talk, lead an event, or go into a meeting might not be prudent. Perhaps meeting them for coffee at a mutually agreeable time might be better?
7. Do it alone. Whenever possible, do not offer constructive criticism in public. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus tells us “If your brother sins, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”
8. Affirm. Affirm. Affirm. Challenge. Affirm. It is essential that anyone you constructively criticize knows that you care about them. Be sure to affirm them in several ways before you constructively criticize, and then affirm them when you are finished. The truth must always be spoken in love. However, be sure not to lavish false praise or affirmation; keep it real and honest.
9. Be personal. Face to face is ideal, a phone conversation can be good, and written communication (letters and email) can very easily be misunderstood. If you must communicate in writing, have several wise and objective individuals proofread it before you send it; this will help to ensure that your words will not be misunderstood.
10. Be specific, not general, yet seeking understanding. “Your talk was bad” is not helpful at all. However, “when you said this, it wasn’t clear to me what you meant, can you explain?” can be very helpful.
11. Listen. It has been said that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason; therefore we should use them proportionately. Giving the other person a chance to explain their words and their intentions may reveal that you misunderstood them, thus rendering your criticism invalid and saving you some humiliation. If after listening you still feel a need to offer someone constructive criticism, make sure you give the other person an open door to respond back to you; dialogues are usually more constructive and fruitful than monologues.

In conclusion

…do you want to practice your constructive criticism skills? If so, give me a call or shoot me an email and let me know what you think of this article.